So, I had the "privilege" of attending my wife's 20 year anniversary. And I ACTUALLY enjoyed it! I know.. I'm as shocked as you! For most spouses (unless you went to the same high school, which we didn't), reunions are something to dread. 4 or 5 hours, sitting at a table with people you don't know, and quite honestly, wouldn't want to know if you had the chance... Watching slide show after slide show of high school kids in really outdated clothes and bad hair... it's PAINFUL! To make matters worse, there was a family picnic the night before. So, it was almost like I was doing double duty. I tell ya, I better have scored double, no triple, points for my marital dedication.

Now, family dinner at a park... what to bring to drink.. hmm.. tough call. Seeing as Alcohol is not allowed in public parks I was up against a dilemma. The only respectable thing for a law abiding citizen to do is to stash the wine in your kids water bottles... yeah.. that's a great plan. It's pretty much FLAWLESS! Yes, the kids and I did argue the entire way to the park about why they weren't allowed to drink out of their water bottles.. but hey, they're young... they'll live! Anyhow, back to the park...

I sat down at a picnic table, while the social butterfly that is my wife walked around the entire park, hugging, introducing, catching up, hell, I think I even saw here grab a couple of assess.. I told you, she's frisky, err... social. I wasn't alone at the table, luckily, I had Brian and Natalie to sit with. Brian was a fellow non-alumni, and all around good guy. Natalie and Brandy went to school together, but Natalie didn't really remember anyone. So, the three of us sat down and cracked jokes at the fellow park attendees. I actually enjoyed myself, drinking and poking fun at Brandy's class mates.. It was fun, but it wasn't a great time. I looked around and noticed a tremendous number of people who looked somewhat blank.. in that they just stood/sat there... didn't contribute to the conversation and were basically bored to tears. As the night went on I realized why most people were bored... They sat on their asses while their significant others reminisced about long lost memories and such. I realized that I was one of the zombies... not particpating and definitely not getting the most out of the reunion.

So, this next part (in retrospect) was a huge mistake. And due to this fact, Brandy is no longer allowed to choose my clothes. I went along with it as these were her friends we were going to see. You see, at the park, a couple people said they were going "casual" the next night, and some even said they were wearing shorts. Wow, pretty laid back reunion if you ask me. So, Brandy picked out some shorts for me (I wasn't allowed to think for myself at this point, or... ever... really).  I headed up to the reunion the next night, clad in green shorts and a white golf shirt. Honestly. I should fucking know better. 20 year reunion??? Shorts?? 20 YEARS! Who the hell wears shorts??? Fucking moron that I was... We get there and people are in cocktail gowns, slacks, hell there were god damn tuxedos!! Penguin Suits I tell ya!! And classy husband of the year (me) looks like he just stepped off a cruise ship. I drug her ass straight to the bar. If I was going to display my pencil thin legs for the entire night, I sure as hell wasn't doing it sober.

After Brandy finally pried me away from bar, it was time to socialize. I had committed to staying by her side, destined not to be bored out of my mind like most of the spouses the night before. Now, I needed to find a way to keep myself entertained. So, while Brandy was talking to a group of girls, one of them (must have been drunk) turned to me and said that she could hardly remember anyone from high school.. She then proceeded to point at a person and ask me if I remembered him. Obviously I didn't, I didn't go to high school with you lady! But was I going to pass up the opportunity to make this innocent girl feel stupid?? HELL NO! I turned to her, and calmly said "How could you forget Kevin?? You and he had 5th period science together. Don't you remember, he sat almost right next to you for the entire semester." She looked at me confused for a second and started to say "oh yeah, Kevin...." It was at this point that I let her off the hook. See, I'm not a complete asshole... just a partial asshole. She was a good sport and laughed it off.

The majority of the rest of the evening was spent with me listening to the stories, but interjecting a lot. Nothing important or even memorable. And most of the small quips or smart ass remarks I would add were simply something that entertained me. Hell, nobody makes me laugh as much as myself.. (except for Brandy of course). But, all this small talk was about to pay off. If I had spent most of the evening sitting at a table, keeping the wine supply at relatively low levels, I would have missed out on some real fun.

You see as the night moved on people continued to get progressively drunker. Now, when people get sloppy drunk, they start saying stuff they probably didn't want to. My favorite conversation of the evening dealt with one of Brandy's class mates. I should point out that this class mate was the butt of a very public joke, during the class president's speech, he was asking the typical questions, "who lives the farthest away?", "who has traveled the most?", blah blah blah. But, right in the middle he asked "How many people made out with Kristen".. I loved it. I also felt compelled to raise my hand, and to my surprise, so did Brandy!! Sure, I didn't know Kristen, but the people at my table didn't know that. And even though I was six years younger than all the people there, and we went to high schools on the opposite end of the valley, Kristen (in high school) could have had a taste for 7th grade west siders.. It's possible.. ;-)

Anyhow, back to my favorite conversation.   Brandy was in a deep conversation with one of her class mates and Kristen (drunk Kristen) slides up next to me and we start talking.  She's tells me how beautiful my wife is, and all that.  I figure she's just making small talk, that is, until she really starts checking my wife out.  Girls might not understand, but for all of us guys who've been shit faced at 1:00 AM in a bar, we know the look.   You stare at a girls tits, and you just can't take your eyes off them..  I mean really, CAN'T take your eyes off 'em.   And you have this look, kind of a dazed, concentrating look, all the while holding your half empty drink up close to your chest, the other hand leaning on a table or a chair.  The other hand is really there to hold you up, otherwise, you'd be swaying back and forth in your enebriated state.   This girl proceeds to tell me how she really loves the female form and how much more beautiful it is than the male.  Hell, she had me sold at female form.   She continues on her monologue, detailing the things she likes about my wifes body.  Now, at this point, I'm starting to get a little aroused.   When the conversation settled on Brandy's ass, I thought...  OK, we gotta kick this up a notch.  So I reached out and gave Brandy a little ass rub.   Kristen reached right out and grabbed it to.  So, there we were, rubbing my wife's ass, all the while Kristen continuing her disertation on the superior aesthetics of the ass she was now cupping.  Now, you might ask yourself.  What did Brandy do when she had a couple of people fondling her during her conversation with the other class mate.   Well, she did nothing.  She didn't even acknowledge us.  But that's OK, we had fun anyway.  I take the blame for the lack of response, I grope the girl way too much for her to be shocked by anything anymore..